Tick, tick, tick.

I realize it's been a while, but hopefully, like old friends we can pick up where we left off - which was sometime back in late summer with me apologizing for being less available and hoping to get back to writing.

I have been writing, but in a more private way and more importantly, I've been reading, traveling, taking in shows, teaching improv, performing, writing songs for a show I've had simmering for a while, and thinking about where I am, where I want to be, and where to keep pushing and where to just accept my lot (I am having great difficulty in this area, as I am profoundly confounded when having to quit things - I get hives, nausea and insomnia when faced with quitting anything.) I see it only as failure - never as freedom the way others can.

I recently heard the song Love the One You're With and became very nearly angry with the defeatist message of the lyrics...if you can't be with the one you love...throw in the towel and pretend? My, what a lot of actors we all are? Oscars all around!

What a sad and unsatisfying way to approach life - especially in a song. Reality may require it, but in a song? Fucking fight for whatever you want. In personal terms I apply the song not necessarily (well not at the moment) to my most significant relationship with another person, but rather to the one I have with myself.

I wish I had the guts to fight this way in reality - but I certainly would put up a fight in my artistic endeavors - the one place where the world can become your oyster. Where the ending can twist. New relationships forged. Out of reach achievements awarded, and the self you'd hope to become is the self that is on display. I'd never celebrate the disappointments in my life with a song - especially one with such a preachy tone - as if it's helpful to anyone.

Lately I've been dealing with the fact that in getting older, you lose that range of potential that was once bestowed on a person simply because of time, which is fading fast and furious. There are major life altering decisions and sacrifices to make and time is the evil reason for forcing it all to climax. It means evaluating everything in life. Everyday choices. And it's exhausting. And frustrating. But tick, tick, tick goes the clock and more time passes and nothing really changes and you have to decide - or at least decide to try, and then it just gets you back to a place where you lose sight of why you're in it to begin with and simply have a goal and all the romance fades because there is no more just "being" it's all time, and responsibility, and opportunity, and keeping up with the Joneses and the tick, tick, tick only gets louder and louder.

But then, it's 10:47 and you have a project that's due, a proposal to overnight, a dishwasher to empty and the mundaneness begins to seep in, which leads to madness. Am I doomed to be disappointed because I always thought I'd be a certain way (dare I say it...special?) - or will that eventually drive me to where I've dreampt? God help me that I feel something along the lines of the latter because this is suffocating. And manifests itself uncandidly as bitterness, which I am happy to quit.

When the Going Gets Floating...

So I'm seriously well into my "sabbatical" and have remained busy doing all of the things I promised I would. But, it's an odd feeling - floating between the projects of my choice. Of course I do not miss going to a job everyday and having to postpone my own personal projects, but I have not felt very grounded. Still, the experience has been incredibly life altering, even if I haven't outwardly changed that much. I still set daily and weekly goals for myself. I still keep a detailed status report on all my projects (old habits die hard). I'm still really busy.

At the same time, I feel comfortable and happy in this ongoing purgatory of uncertainty, opportunity, and "TBD" status. It feels like something really amazing is just around the corner. I just have to be on the look out for it and ready to pounce. It's like being next - which is really better than it being your turn. Anticipation is one of life's most enjoyable creations. I currently am Mayor of Anticipation Station.

There have been lots and lots of job postings in my "day job" field, and I have been compelled to throw my hat into the ring for some of the more appealing and fruitful opportunities. However, I think there must be something in the universe that is deciding a few things for me...and so up to now, the old life has not moved back in.

This whole experience has actually changed a lot of things about me. I am a better person in some ways. I'm definitely a much better wife. I'm able to do things for him that I never did before. And I'm also able to support him in a new way, that I hope makes him feel important and valued. Weirdly, I don't know if I'm as good of a friend anymore. I just feel really focused on my own projects right now. I see my old life as not just being a slave to the job, but also to all of the social commitments I ended up getting myself into and then resented later. I'm learning to say no more often, and letting go of some of that guilt.

I'm also a completely different consumer. I was an avid shopper to say the least, and the fall has always been my absolute favorite clothes season, ever since my mom took me to Belks for new penny loafers. Although I still look through some of the catalogs I get, I don't feel as compelled to buy the latest trends. Plus, I spend most of my time at home writing, or at rehearsals, neither of which require anything more than jeans and a shirt. I also am getting comfortable with not being as generous as I have been in the past. I would spend thousands and thousands of dollars on lavish gifts for my family and friends every year, and I'm not really sure why. I fear it's that I felt I needed to do this to retain their love or friendship. Now that this type of giving is no longer possible, I feel liberated. Now I don't have to try to one up myself. I'm especially looking forward to the holidays and reverting back to a more "normal" level of generosity. It will be rewarding to make or buy items that I can put more thought into, instead of just paying more. I also wonder if people thought I was a little too generous, like maybe I made them feel uncomfortable, and maybe they thought I was a little pathetic. I always felt like, if you have it, spend it, I'll make more - and you could get hit by a truck. Now that I have very little and live on a very, very tight budget (about $20 a week for "spending money"), I have found that I'm actually happier. I feel smarter. I feel healthier. And I resent my debt so much more. If I didn't have that - I would really never be worried! I have nothing to show for those three payments I have to make every month. I didn't use them to pay my college tuition or to pay for life-saving surgery. I didn't use them to fund a film or a play. I just bought crap. Crap that is currently sitting in three huge garbage bags by the back door waiting to go to Goodwill. And in three smaller carrier bags waiting to be evaluated for consignment. ROI? A truckload of regret.

So now I enjoy a slower pace and grocery store shopping. I rode my bike to the grocery store this morning - because I have the extra time - I don't have to drive anywhere anymore. I noticed a nice side effect of the bike riding is that whatever I buy I have to carry, so no superfluous items ever make it into the basket. This saves money and calories!

I hope you find your moments of anticipation to savor today - and hope you can find ways to simplify your life and time to realize your dreams.

Michelle